Blog : So I wait....

So I wait....

1/8/2012 10:22 pm

I have so many thoughts running through my head, but none stand still long enough to put them down on paper. Exhausted doesn't begin to describe how I feel. Days and nights of endless writing until my fingers began cramping on my keyboard. And now it's done...and I wait. I don't wait patiently. One grade...one paper...one final score. Please God, don't make me do a rewrite. At least this one didn't mysteriously disappear off my computer. One grade.

I slept yesterday. The dogs and I curled up on the couch and dozed while watching meaningless movies that I can't even remember. Schatzi and Schavonne were happy because Mom spent the whole day holding and loving them. I haven't had time to do that for the past six years. Today we cleaned house...at least part of it. I love when everything smells fresh and clean...when I know it's been newly scrubbed. Perfect.

And I wait. I don't wait well. I keep logging on to see if the score is there. Not yet. It makes me crazy. Maybe if I go to the other web site...I'll find the score is posted....nope. Back to waiting. Did I mention God didn't give me patience? He's making me learn it, in more ways than one...but he didn't give me any. It sucks when you make an impatient woman practice patience.

Dogs want to go to bed and so do I, but I need to jump in the shower first. Do you know what it feels like to know I can go to bed any time I choose? We went to bed at seven last night. Of course, I hadn't slept Friday night...stayed up all night finishing my paper. Probably have 40 hours into this paper. Did I do it well?

I felt very positive about it when I submitted it, but now I sit and wonder...did I miss something? Was I rushing it? Should I have reviewed it one more time? I don't want to have to rewrite and wait again for the score. Please don't make me wait. I suck at waiting.

It's been hard to keep my focus, everything distracted me. I wanted to play, wanted to do other things, wanted to clean my house. There's something sick and wrong about WANTING to clean your house. It kept my mind occupied so I didn't think about that missing score. How'd I do? Am I done? Can I have my life back?

What's wrong with these people? Can't they see how much I need to know? NOW!!! please?

And so I wait....

I wish you were here to hold me...to keep me from losing my sanity...to reassure me...to love me.

Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari