 | Blogs > Ari_fairy > Ari-Wood > I remember |
12/19/2011 2:08 am |
It's been a long day...and night. I work a while on my business plan and then get up and work a bit on the house, or watch a movie to give my mind a break. Nearly done...I hope to be able to submit it today and jump straight into the next assessment. Once this one is done, I'm down to two papers to write. I'm tired and I want to quit but I'm too close and too stubborn. It was funny the other night. I lay in bed thinking I was having a heart attack. The pain was so intense I couldn't believe it. It spread down my arms and up my jaw...and I remember thinking it was just like that day in the dentist's office when they overdosed me on nitrous...if I'm going to die, God, let's just get it over with. I don't really care anymore, there's so little here for me. And then...it just hit me...HELL no....not this close to getting my degree. I want my degree first. And then I woke up. I couldn't believe there was no pain and as I sat up in bed I felt so much relief. That's me. Too damn stubborn to die. It's a painful time of year for me...remembering, feeling. I think it's supposed to be. I've turned it into a time of review, a time of appreciation...a time of giving love to God in ways he's given it to me. For whatever length of time, he gave me the greatest love I can imagine. It may have been taken too soon, but I don't regret a breath of it. I would give everything to have one more minute in his arms, one more second to whisper that I love him, one more inhalation to feel his healing and the faith he had...that I was something more than the me I see...the me I felt for so long...the me no one else could love quite so...completely. I would give everything just to see the love in his eyes for one more heartbeat. I thank God for the love he taught me to share when he gave me each person who touches my life...each person who touches my soul...all the sisters and brothers I've found here and in my outer world...all of you...and all of those who've moved into other venues. Each of you a joy in completely unique manners. They say people come into our lives for a reason. Each of you came into my life to teach me to love more deeply, to appreciate more completely, to accept more diversity, and to give with all of me...all that you give to me. I look at you and remember each moment we share together, in the blogs, by email, on the phone, even in person. Laughter and tears, pleasure and fears, such a magnificent pool of love we all have to draw from...and I realize how very fortunate and loved I have been. And my fortune is in hearts that have opened to let me share a tiny part of their lives. My fortune is in the love I've been given, whether for an instant or a lifetime. My joy...is that God loves me enough that he blesses my life with riches I never thought I'd have. He lifted me from struggling every day of my life just to survive to being free to live my life without fear of being inadequate one more time; from a man who worked every day to destroy me, to a man who worked every day to show me all that is beautiful in me. He guides my steps and protects me when I don't know how to help myself, when the road is long and dark and I am trembling in fear or pain...when there is no one to reach out to...he is there. He holds my hand and he keeps me safe. I feel him holding me. I feel him loving me. And I feel him guiding me...to being able to help others, to being filled with laughter and the ability to share the joy in my heart with those who still struggle...and those who allow...a tiny bit of magic to touch their world. If I have a gift, it is the willingness to share that tiny bit of magic in how I see the world. Warped, yes...twisted, absolutely...wicked, ummm...probably, naughty...beyond any doubt...still, he shows me the magic that others sometimes struggle to see..and lets me share it in tiny stories and moments of silliness. I believe in magic. I have to...it led me to you. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari 
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12/20/2011 5:37 am |
Hey there.... life is indeed wondrous... and the gift of love--the most mysterious and wondrous gift of all...never quite sure how or why it arrives--but when it does, it is indeed worth the risk. All the best to you this season... Wishing you happiness Misty
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12/20/2011 7:49 pm |
You almost there...stay calm and relax...you need a vacation... Call me jean for short mahal
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12/21/2011 6:10 pm |
Hey there.... life is indeed wondrous... and the gift of love--the most mysterious and wondrous gift of all...never quite sure how or why it arrives--but when it does, it is indeed worth the risk. All the best to you this season... Merry Christmas. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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12/21/2011 6:11 pm |
You almost there...stay calm and relax...you need a vacation... Thanks...I needed this message. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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12/22/2011 3:32 pm |
This is Santa....STAY FOCUSED!!! Wishing you happiness Misty
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